My heart is full. Heaven will be better.

In Santa Barbara, back in July, my lover and I were ending the day with a walk down the beach, near the wharf. 

The day had been as close to perfect as I can imagine. We had filled the hours with much walking: the Wharf, the Arts and Crafts Fair all along the street, the park, the courthouse yard and the clock tower, State Street for lunch and books and antiques and a slice of cake each from Andersen's. The sun had been gleaming all day, and the sidewalks were coursing with life-- people and their dogs savoring the glory of the coastal summer sunshine. 

We chose to end the day with a sandy stroll, before seeking dinner and getting back on the road home. After having walked so much already, trudging through the sand was a challenge for our tired feet and calves, but I think it may have been one of the loveliest walks I've ever had.

The wind tussled our hair towards the sea; the tide was beginning to swell as it neared the evening. It was still very bright, and everything so blue. My eyes couldn't choose between the sea or the sky-- both were too beautiful. Stepping along through the soft warm sand, Riley's hand in mine, my hair at the mercy of the wind and my eyes captivated by God's masterpiece in blue, I felt I was in a dream. It would have been the kind of dream that leaves you unexplainably sad upon waking, desiring for it never to have ended.

While we walked, I was meditating on the dreamlike air this whole day had held, and Riley asked me what I was thinking about.

I took a moment to gather my words. When I spoke, it was one of the few times I was blessed with the words to truly articulate what was on my heart.

"I was thinking about how the greatest and most intensely beautiful moments in your life, the rare ones that really strike your soul and kind of shock you with how perfect they seem, will still not be nearly as glorious as being in Heaven." 

This seemed to delight him, for then it was all we talked about for the rest of our walk. I remarked at how easy it is for me to become entrenched in my circumstances. Lovely moments are always an idol in my heart; lowly moments easily reduce me to tears. How silly it is to be that way when I have such a heavenly inheritance in store for me after this short life. 

We mused over the wonder of this earth and the glory to come; how our little fragile minds often cannot conceive of glory greater than our best earthly experience, yet how our saved souls know it awaits us: the eternity of basking in His Majesty. We painted landscapes in our heads of how Heaven might look-- with the mighty sea and open sky before us, the thought of a place infinitely more beautiful and filled with the visible glory of God had me fighting tears. 

Our legs were tiring of our walk in the soft fluid sand, but I may as well have been floating along the coast. I felt that not a thing could weigh my soul down in that moment; what is sorrow or worry when I am thinking of Heaven? 

Our walk, and our conversation, ended in this sentence which we both agreed was a wonderful refrain to keep in our hearts for moments of great happiness on earth:

"My heart is full... but Heaven will be so much better."

Turn Your Thoughts God-ward

 Recently, I was observing my reflection in the mirror. I turned my face side to side so I could see the acne on my cheeks and jaw. I have spent too many minutes in years past doing exactly this, my eyes dwelling on each spot and my spirit wilting the longer I looked. Today was different: I saw my face through the eyes of someone seeing me for the first time, instead of through my own eyes, which were tainted with selfish despair over my imperfect skin. 

It was strange, but when I did that, my acne seemed such a stupid thing to care that much about. As I pondered my face, I had this thought:

I've had acne since I was thirteen. I've done everything under the sun (including leaving it completely alone) to try and heal my skin, both externally and internally. It's probably not going away anytime soon. And I don't know why, but maybe that's fine. I could have acne and be sad about it, or I could have acne and choose to continue being comfortable in my own skin. I would much rather live with the latter. So I'm alright with these spots on my face.

Later that day, after Riley came home from work, we were hanging out on the couch, and I told him these thoughts I'd had. He nodded his approval; he was pleased to see my growing peace about something that had plagued me with worrisome thoughts for many years. But after a beat, he added this:

"Be sure to turn these thoughts God-ward. The peace you have with your skin should be about Him and from Him; these thorns and thistles of this imperfect world are meant to draw you nearer to Him. You should be content with your skin, not because you chose of your own accord not to care, but because it is exactly the way God wills it to be right now."

(This is slightly paraphrased, as this conversation was several days ago, and I obviously can't recount what he said word for word. But this is the essence of what he told me.)

I am glad he said this to me. My thoughts in the bathroom mirror earlier that day were not incorrect, but they were lacking the core purpose of why I am to be content with my body and skin: my identity must be found solely in Christ and His steadfast love for me, not in my physical appearance. My responsibility is to be a good steward of the body He gave me, to take the best care of it that I can, because it is a gift from Him-- and I must trust Him with the outcome.

This is the part that always trips me: I make so many efforts to be a good steward of my body... and I expect that because I am trying so hard, I will be able to fix myself or heal myself or get exactly the results I am hoping for. 

But that is still an identity issue (sin!). In that case, my hope is still in the perfection of my body, not in the sovereign will of God. And, how silly of me to let some spots on my skin steal joy from my heart when there is so much to be deeply and humbly thankful for in these sweet but short days on Earth the Lord gives us!

 I need to let go of my craving for control and remember that my body will be perfect in Heaven. And will I even notice? I will be quite busy praising the Lord my God, in all His glory and majesty.

With that, I encourage anyone reading this to search out the things in your heart that have been plaguing you with worry or irritation. Ask yourself "why?" What gain is to be had from being consumed by yourself? Turn your thoughts God-ward; there is much peace to be found in Him. 

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

-1 Peter 5:6-7

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

-Colossians 3:1-3

Have a lovely Monday!

Twenties

 Hiya!

I'm trying to practice taking advantage of significant thoughts I have throughout the day and putting words to them in the moment. 

Today's funny thought is a realization that I have quite frequently and probably will continue to have through the rest of my adult life: I'm in my twenties. I don't know why, but it seems such a strange fact still. Do any of you constantly feel younger than you actually are? I often feel like I'm seventeen still. But then I catch myself acting on the responsibilities and expectations of adulthood and it hits me that I have long since exited childhood. It can sometimes be a sad thought, but most of the time it is sweet: God led me to this place, and what a blessing it is to be alive! To be learning every day how to steward my own household! To have a car payment! To be less and less anxious with every phone call I have to make about my money and my teeth and my car! To enter an office every morning and turn on my computer! To put things on my calendar (and take them off, because sometimes yours truly is a little trigger-happy with all the things that may be added to a young person's calendar. Still learning how not to overbook us!)

I'm doing everything my five-year-old self would have played and pretended, in all her hours of imagination at home. I get to make dinner for my husband and myself! I get to clean my kitchen! I get to decorate my walls! I get to do my laundry and see someone else's clothes all tangled with mine! I get to bring home plants that I will soon accidentally kill and mourn! (I don't think I ever pretended to do that as a child. But it's wormed its way into my life; at least my wedding fern is alive and flourishing!) I get to make coffee whenever I want! I get to welcome my best friend and lover home every evening, with a smile and a long-awaited kiss. 

I really am rich. God, strike all discontentment from my heart! 

Many Words, Few Minutes

 Hello!

As you can see, I never got around to an August Gallery post. September came and went in a rush, and in the midst of everything, I gave myself permission not to worry about it. Life lately has included:

-the truck breaking down

-the new urgency to find another car (this was the last straw with that old moneypit) 

-the moving around of money and the budgetary finagling in order that we can afford a car payment

-a dental checkup in which nine cavities were revealed, after which a certain frazzled wife cried on the phone to a certain very levelheaded husband who assured the aforementioned wife that the money in savings is specifically saved for things like this and encouraged her not to take dental issues so personally (let it be known that the wife in question does in fact take very good care of her teeth and simply needs to stop grinding her teeth in her sleep)

-Two separate appointments to then get those cavities filled

-Continual haggling with my bank to try and finally get my funds over to Riley's bank so all our money can actually be in the same pot (I've been on hold for 12 years now and am starting to think I just need to go in person and figure things out)

-Riley going to the doctor with concerns of dizziness, occasional nausea, eye twitching and headaches (after a full physical, including a checkup on his thyroid, he is medically completely fine and has been told he is just stressed. So now, we just need to figure out how to get him to slow down, which has always been difficult for him) 

-My own car making weird sounds and a trip to the mechanic (it's only the spark plugs needing to be replaced, thankfully)

-All of our usual family/social functions 

-Probably some other things I'm forgetting about

It has been a very adult, very spendy few weeks. When it rains, it pours! But Riley is a wonderful, wise manager of our money; we are blessed with sufficient savings and have not fallen on hard times. It has been a strengthening, somewhat fun challenge to practice buying only what we need at the grocery store on Saturdays. And I find myself much calmer in this season than I thought I would be in seasons of "pouring rain"; doing all of this with a strong leader and partner (who also happens to be my best friend) has made things seem much easier. By the grace of God, we are laughing through it, tired as we may be!

And though the last few weeks have been challenging and fast-paced, our life is also full of:

-Soup and bread

-Laughter every day and night

-Cats that sit outside the screen door every morning as I make breakfast

-Coffee and cigar smoke

-Excellent movies and comforting sitcoms

-Daily digestion of God's word (which must be the highest of all these things)

-Many wonderful brothers and sisters (both biological and blood-bought)

-A thrilling scent of approaching autumn in the air, the sun shining just a little differently, the trees beginning to drop a handful of leaves

-About a thousand other blessings and mercies of which we are not deserving. God is good!

I've come to realize that, while I am a "working woman", I may have to be content with a looser grasp on this blog. I have limited minutes every day; 480 of those minutes are spent working for the school, and when I come home, my laptop is certainly not the first place I go. Someday, when I can leave the workforce and stay at home, I may be able to carve out actual time every day to write a little and keep this up more frequently. But for now, it takes me multiple days to finish one short post, and that's alright! It's what I am afforded, and I am happy with it. 

With that, thank you for reading, and I'll see you in the next post, whenever that happens to be!

Good Day!

 "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive your inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ." ~Colossians 3:23-24

This verse is printed and taped to the bottom of my computer monitor at work. It's been there so long that it's just become part of the landscape of my desk, and never catches my eye. Today God gave me the gift of noticing it.

I've not been sleeping well; whatever the reason, my nights have been patchy and wakeful, my mind too loud to let me rest well. I could let that drag me downward today (oh, it would be so easy...I am tired) or I could rejoice in these words. 

These days are temporary. My body and brain will wither away. I can rest in knowing that the physical exhaustion I may feel is such a little thing in light of eternity. These trials are for these short years on earth.

 And yet I have been commanded, while I am still on this earth, to work, to find joy in the doing of these things-- to devote my actions to the Lord. 

There is a hefty stack of library orders on my desk, waiting to be fulfilled. There are parents to call, shelves to rearrange, boxes to move and people to help. 

I have a little cup of coffee in front of me, and the verse from Colossians is fresh in my eyes and mind. Thank you, Lord, for the riches of this day!

Gallery of July, 2025

 I cannot comprehend that we are in August already! It is once again time for a month of photos. I did not take very many pictures this month; we were quite busy and I have been enjoying having few ties to my phone lately. But I did capture some lovely tidbits; here are my snippets from July!

^^^This is from Independence Day, at the Highfill house. We have: Riley, me, Tyler, Juliana, Luke and Chloe!

^^^We recently hung a dartboard in the apartment, and Bennett hit a bullseye (it was one of his first throws, I think. Whatever.)

^^^My handsome Mr. Branson, doing what he loves at his workbench. The way his mind works and so easily understands the complexities of a clock movement will never stop astounding me.

^^^One Sunday, I made cherry almond milkshakes (with my milkshake blender that my parents gave me for my 21st birthday! It was an especially thoughtful gift because I had been saying I missed making milkshakes, working at Woolworth's Diner when I was 17.) Anyway, these did not disappoint; they were quite light and refreshing, just sweet enough-- and cherry + almond is just a beautiful combination.

^^^Yet another of Bennett. He's a teenager now, you guys-- this little dork is thirteen. Not yet taller than me, but he is getting there. He makes me stand next to him every time I see him, just to see if he grew any. I'll let you know when he actually passes me up.

^^^Lastly, a little craft I did this month. I took an old jar lid, painted it pink, arranged beads inside of it, glued them in, and attached a magnet to the back. It is now on my fridge and looks quite cheerful against the black surface.

The end! I know it's halfway through August; this tiny post shouldn't have taken this long, but August happens to be the busiest and most mind-whirling month out of the whole year (back-to-school season at work) and my home life has also been quite busy. I've not been able to carve out much time for writing, which I am definitely feeling-- but this is where God has placed me, and I'm grateful for any time at all!

I do have multiple posts I am working on; no telling when I will actually finish and post them. Until then, my friends!

 

Today, I am...

     This is a post format I saw often on my mom's blog. There was no single topic, no specific focal point; it was just a glimpse of daily existence-- a peek into the candy bag of thoughts in her mind that day. 

    I really had the hankering to write something today. I am working on a number of drafts about a few different things, but while those are all in progress, I wanted something I could publish quickly, so I figured I would sprinkle some random thoughts on the digital page today!

   Today, I am....    

    -quite looking forward to dinner tonight. I'm making sourdough pancakes with maple sausage and raspberries. (My sourdough starter has been so much fun to play with in various recipes! And, my stomach is thanking me for it. It has allowed me to enjoy banana bread without the stomachache.)

    -grateful for my job. Even in our busiest seasons (such as now, preparing for the new school year), getting to call myself a librarian and to have dozens of books in my hands every day is a blessing I admittedly take for granted quite often. I am also blessed to have many tasks on my to-do list; it's nice to always have something to do.

    -drinking water out of a Bragg Organic Apple Cider Vinegar glass bottle. (Yes, I washed it.) The label is still in pristine condition; it does stick out like a sore thumb amidst the various tumblers and water bottles being used in the office today, but it is the perfect size and shape to be a water bottle. And it is kind of fun- as well as resourceful!

    -enjoying a slightly cooler few days. The temperature is dropping about ten degrees for part of this week, and it feels like a foreshadowing of autumn. (I am not complaining about summer, though. A point of maturity I thank God for is that He is helping me to realize that complaining about the weather (or anything outside of my control, for that matter) is quite silly and sinful. I am so richly loved by the Creator of the universe; to gripe about heat and sweat, such temporary things, is to hold such a low view of His purpose for me on this earth and the eternity of glory to come afterward. Thank you God for summer-- a time to practice patience and to remember your creation is so good!)

    -wondering how I could go about making a pumpkin spice latte with my Moka pot (when the time comes, of course.) I will have to look up a recipe for the pumpkin flavoring.

    -thinking rather fondly of playing four-square with Riley and my siblings at my family's house this past Sunday. I haven't played a ball game like that in a long while; the heat, sweat, shouting and laughter were good for me. We worked up quite an appetite. The sun was almost down by the time we finally went inside, where Mom had pancakes and bacon waiting for us, which we ate while watching "My Cousin Vinny". I always love an evening spent in my old home. 

That will be all today; hopefully soon I will finish one of the many drafts I am working on. Have a lovely day, and remember to go outside!

Gallery of June, 2025

 Now that it is July (!!!) it is also time for my monthly gallery. June was lovely, as all months are if we learn to realize that God has adorned every day with mercies and lessons and beauty. 

Here are my photographs!

A seashell full of pearls by candlelight. This is on our bathroom counter and it just looked so lovely one night I had to get a picture. 

Just a handsome lad. (My brother Bennett. This was sent to me by one of my sisters. Glad to know nothing has changed since I moved out:) )

My upward view during my lunch break one day. I use this time to quiet my mind and observe God's creation. It really turns my heart around for the rest of the day.

Me and my Riley at the Prairie Fire in the Padre Hotel where my dad's band, Bad Modem, played a fantastic set of glorious 90s covers.

Breakfast for dinner at my in-laws' house!

Me and my sister in law Emily

Bath time. Lately I have been slicing lemons and putting them in the water; it makes the steam smell fresh and bright. 

My husband at his home workbench, with a clock movement. He is teaching himself clock repair and is already astonishingly proficient for how little experience he has yet built up. I love to see and hear his passion for the trade.

A painting I spontaneously did one Saturday. I sat and painted in a freshly cleaned apartment, accompanied by a fresh cup of coffee from my Moka pot and the music of Garoto, a Brazilian guitarist from the 1930s whom I've recently discovered. It was a very mind-nourishing afternoon!

Me and Riley after I cut his hair BY MYSELF. It was a very scary process and for a minute I was petrified because he was starting to look like Dwight Schrute-- but then he washed and dried it, and it has looked wonderfully handsome ever since. Now we know I have the ability to cut his hair, and we can save $25 and a trip to Great Clips.

Lunch break with the trees! (Do you catch my silver hairs?? My grays are all growing in straight/wavy, by the way. Audrey pointed out one time that the curly hair might have only been a phase, and now I am wondering if I'll have straight or slightly wavy hair when I'm fully gray. I guess we'll see!)

The bathroom windowsill at night. We brush our teeth by candlelight every night and there's something whimsical about it that I adore.

So, June is over! It was a busy and marvelous month, full of sweetness and the ever beautiful settling and flourishing into our home together, every day becoming more in love with each other and with Christ. (That is something I always thought was an exaggerated fairytale myth, whenever I heard it: "every day in marriage is sweeter than the last". Well, I am now comfortable telling you it is wholly true. If you both love the Lord, you will love each other, and it actually does deepen every day. It is, like Paul said, a profound mystery. And I am almost in disbelief that I've been given the gift of this mystery to live through every day until death parts us. I think, "I am already so in love with him; how can this become any more beautiful?" And each day is proof that it can and it does. Thank you Jesus for my marriage.)

I look eagerly on to July. This weekend will be sweet: Independence Day on Friday, and the Westchester parade with family that morning-- celebrating with friends in the evening. Saturday, bright and early, Riley and I are off to Santa Barbara. We will return Sunday night and begin another week of work. 

Good day, friends!

A Trip to the Desert Oasis

    *This has taken me entirely too long to write, but I know that if i don't record it, I will forget many of the details I treasure. So here it is, a month late!*

The week before Memorial Day weekend, Riley messaged me from work and told me he booked us an Airbnb in a place he didn't disclose and that we were going to be skipping town on Memorial Day weekend, Sunday to Monday. All he told me was that the house was very secluded, it would be warm, and there was a bounty of art and shopping in the town nearby.

    I needed no convincing; I made my glee known to him and all week I kept reminding myself of my prize: a weekend with only my love. 

    It has been about three months since we came home from the honeymoon; I have missed the excitement of being strangers together in an unfamiliar town. There is a certain thrill I feel at the thought of being away, alone, with the best person I have ever known, in a new place and totally reliant on only our own decisions and wants, where the time is only ours. (Being on our own terms is one of the gems of marriage we've been savoring deeply.)

    We threw a day and night's worth of things into his duffel bag on Saturday night. Sunday, straight from church, we got gas and began to drive. 

    I could see, from his GPS, that it was going to be a long drive-- about 3.5 hours. I didn't care; I had my crochet work, my best friend, and a very expansive Spotify queue to keep me happy. 

    We drove through hills and small mountains. No, I don't remember which highway we were on. I was busy crocheting and enjoying the fact that I wasn't the one driving. I only know the sky was clear and the hills were turning brown for the summer, but they were somehow still very beautiful. (I have grown tired of complaining about the flat expanse of brown plains that surrounds Bakersfield. How can I complain when the sky is so tall and wide and blue, and the land sweeps upwards into the mountains on the horizon the way it does?)

    After those 3.5 hours, at about 4:00pm, as we got into more populated land, Riley said, "Welcome to the desert oasis." Palm Springs! It was new to both of us. I was excited to be exploring somewhere that wasn't the coast; I love the sea, more than many places, but it's been such a long time since I've visited any town that wasn't a beach town. (Of course, he could have taken me anywhere and I would have been just as ready. I'll go anywhere with him.)

    He turned onto a dusty road of broken asphalt and we rattled along through cacti, yucca trees, and small houses nestled into the desert land. We turned and drove for another thousand feet and finally arrived at our Airbnb: a tiny, bright pink house with a white picket fence.

    There was a little hot tub in the back, and further down the hill, also belonging to the house, a deck with a little cowboy pool and two blue wooden lounge chairs--fully bathed in sun and surrounded by desert brush. 

    As soon as we set our things inside, we changed into our bathing suits and went down to the deck. We listened to Bob Marley, and I lay in the sun while Riley smoked a cigar. We talked endlessly and stood in the pool when we got too warm. We savored the look of the surrounding hills and mountains, layered further and further back into the sky.

    That night after dinner, we laid on the bed with cups of coffee and watched a little TV. Once it was dark we enjoyed the solitude of the hot tub and the clarity of the stars above us, so much brighter and more numerous than the stars in our Bakersfield sky. 

   We came inside and got trail mix with little glasses of wine and watched Nacho Libre until past midnight.

    We slept like rocks through the night until we were woken by the sun flooding in through the window shades. The desert realm was clearer and bluer and seemed wider in the morning than it had been the day before in the afternoon. When I drew back the shades, the whole place turned white and shining. 

    We spent the morning in delicious slowness, getting dressed and packing away all of our things, wishing we would've had more time here (we're going to keep that little house in our minds for future trips) but ready to get out and explore. We drove about thirty minutes into actual Palm Springs (we were just in Yucca Valley), and after a late breakfast, we began to walk.

    The city was warm and full of sun, yet we were enjoying the warmth as we walked; it felt appropriate for being in the desert. We found a Palm Springs magnet for the fridge (we've decided we want our refrigerator to be a gallery of all the places we've been) and a Palm Springs postcard to add to my wall. 

    There was a little 1930's general store museum created from a collection of authentic 1930's household items-- cleaning supplies, beauty products, hardware and tools, dry goods, boxed/tinned foods. It was a little wonderful to see how my shelves and cupboards at home were beginning to look like the shelves of this store: boxes of baking soda and washing soda, dry goods in glass jars, oil lamps and candles to light our way at night. 

    We found a thrift store as well (it is criminal, in my mind, not to seek out a thrift store in every city you visit) and most of everything in there was too highly priced to take home any souvenirs, except for a dartboard, still in its plastic, that caught Riley's eye. We purchased that and went back out into the heat and light. 

    Our next quest was to find smoothies. This wasn't hard, as there were about six smoothie joints to choose from in our area. He ordered this dreamy cinnamon vanilla date thing that I want to try and recreate at home; it tasted like a milkshake. I had a VERY pink smoothie with dragon fruit and raspberries. 

    Sufficiently refreshed and full of fruit, we considered leaving then; it was getting later into the afternoon and we'd seen about all we wanted to see. But Riley decided we weren't done yet. He pulled up directions to the nearest art museum, and there we went.

    We used some of our leftover honeymoon cash to pay for admission and spent the next hour wandering slowly through the exhibits, admiring or laughing (quietly), depending on the art. (If you've ever been to a contemporary art museum, you will know what I'm talking about. Some of it is brilliant and some of it is... well... a plank of wood on the wall with a red stripe through it. I've never been more inspired.) Anyway, it was a really enjoyable way to end the trip; it was freezing cold in there, and the smell of paint and echo of voices over the vast granite floors satisfied something inside me that I can't be bothered to define with words. Museums just... do that. 

    When we'd combed all three floors and seen everything we could, we went back to the car, defrosting the instant we stepped outside, and set the GPS to home. 

    There was traffic in the first leg of our trip, but we didn't care; we listened to the Office Ladies the whole way home and I worked on my scrap blanket. 

    We have since decided that from now on, destinations more than two hours away deserve more than one night's stay. But neither one of us regrets anything about the trip. Half the fun of traveling is the getting there, if you've the right company. And he will always be my favorite company.

Gallery of May, 2025

It's a week into June now, but I've had this idea for a long time; at the end of every month, I want to write a post dedicated to the past month and its photographs. (Someday I'd like to get into real physical scrapbooking, but I like the idea of doing it here too.)

Anyway, my hope is to do this on the first of every new month-- clearly I'm off to a great start on that:)

Without further ado, here is marvelous May!

~~~~~

-this is the coffee can clock on top of our microwave. I just thought it deserved a picture:)

-this is the broken grandfather clock on our patio! A sweet family friend wanted us to have it after learning of Riley's interest in clock repair. We now have the best-looking patio in our entire apartment complex.

-some rather radiant strawberries I couldn't help but photograph one Saturday in the middle of my meal prep. I love berry season

-the picture is sideways, but this is my wedding bouquet drying as it hangs on an old lamp my sweet grandma gave us.

-my view from the couch one day, to my left. Dried flowers in an old vase, an onyx ashtray Riley bought on the honeymoon, and his stack of clock repair books. 

-my new favorite way to drink coffee: a cortado with honey. Every Thursday we make dinner with our friends and two of them are especially proficient with an espresso machine. What a gift to have this little cup of love when I would be paying $7 for this in any coffee shop! And it wouldn't be nearly as delicious, I'm sure of that.

-me, my sisters, and dolls. This was taken at an estate sale one Saturday

-my lovely women, that same Saturday. This was in the greenhouse at Cricklewood Secret Garden.

-a moment during one of our regular Monday sibling nights when I decided Riley's big toe could use some color. (That stayed on all month until he decided enough was enough)

-some silly sisters (undeniably gorgeous and chic though)

-a frame from one of my lunch walks. Something about this looked almost eerie- liminal might be the right word, although everything is liminal to everyone nowadays and we might have watered down that word, haha 

-my new lunch spot. It's in the quiet bend of the commercial road by my building. Lots of businesses surrounding but almost no noise in this spot except for the birds. It smells like hot grass and it is wonderful. 

-the top of my beloved bookshelf. I love when there is so much to look at in such a small corner of your home. 

-one day after work I chose to spend 30 minutes eating stove top popcorn with my legs in the pool. I faced west, so the setting sun soaked my body in warmth and made me sweat-- but I went inside glowing, restored and definitely less hungry (therefore more calm.)

-the lunch I made with a dear friend who came over. (Quinoa with roasted sweet potatoes, pan fried chickpeas, sautéed kale, avocado and lemon garlic tahini sauce. We both perished on first bite)

It was a sweet afternoon; more people should cook one on one together.

~~~~~

That is May! It's getting late, so I've lost the ability to be very coherent or eloquent now, but I can't leave without saying I owe all the beauty in my life to Christ. His mercies are new and many every day. 

Hello!

 Welcome to the Clover Cabinet!

I've wanted to start a blog for ages now, and I'm not quite sure why I never pulled the trigger until now.

 I think what finally pushed me was the second read-through of my mother's blog, which she had from 2007 (when I was three) until 2015. (If you click that link, make sure to scroll to the dropdown labeled "peek into the past" and go back to 2007, when she was writing and posting multiple times a week. It's just the sweetest.)

Yes, I have been reading it like a book. I adore it so much; to have the mother's perspective of the childhood I lived is something so special and precious. And getting that look into her mind as she raised us is just the best thing ever. I get to see her thoughts about life, about her growing children; her prayers, the things that made her heart soar, the things she struggled with. And at the time, you know, I was busy growing up; isn't it just the best thing that I can walk back through those years with my now-adult mind and my understanding of every word she writes?  Also, in every picture she included, there is always something to trigger a staggering bout of nostalgia; a toy, a book, a piece of clothing I was particularly fond of-- all things I would not be able to recall if it weren't for the gift of these archives. 

Upon reading her blog through for the second time, I just felt, more so with every post I read, that I wanted this for my future children. I wanted to give them the gift of their childhood captured for them from their mother's loving eyes. I want them to read about our joys, our trials, our daily life, our favorite moments. And for any of you wondering why I don't just do this on Instagram, well, that's exactly what I am trying to get away from. 

The difference between the two platforms is vast and crucial. I have so much I could (and someday probably should) say about the poison of short-form social media, but that isn't supposed to be the focal point of this first post. But if you are reading this and you've ever had social media, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It is not a place I want to keep this treasure, these records of myself and their little lives. I want them to find it in a safe and quiet place, just like my mom's writings.

And yes, I do know blogging used to be quite the community, back when my mom was in the thick of it. But that's not even comparable to what modern social media has become. Her community of fellow bloggers was comprised of pretty much only people she already knew, or friends of friends who began following and reading along with her life. They were people who cared to be invested in her life. And, as I go through the years of her blog and read the comments (which I am ecstatic that I can still access, almost twenty years later), I see that THIS is what "social media" was supposed to be. It was ACTUALLY SOCIAL. These people would write paragraphs of thoughtful response to every post she made. People don't really "comment" anymore. They leave a word or two, maybe a sentence, an easy heart emoji. Then they swiftly move on to the next, barely holding on to what they just consumed and interacted with. Back when blogging was the cool thing to do, people would spend actual time reading what people spent actual time writing. And then they would write mini-letters in the comments. People still interact over social media; people still do things similar to the mass scarf-exchange-by-mail my mom put together with her blogging friends in 2008; the difference is that everything these days is faster, more transactional. I cannot be the only one who feels so deeply that what we've made social media to be today is much less personal and much less intentional. I guess I should say, this is all MY experience. I know many prefer Instagram for reasons I can't totally invalidate. But I have observed both sides: the blogging community of the late 2000's-early 2010's, and the Instagram "community" of the late 2010's-2020's-- and what I have observed in the former is just so much sweeter in my eyes.

Now, I'm aware blogging isn't the same community it once was. Most people have migrated to the common areas: Instagram, TikTok, etc. And I don't expect there to be any sort of revival in the blogging world. But, something I've been learning in my young adult life is that it is not enough to sit by and wish people would do certain things or bring back certain practices or appreciate certain dwindling (or long-already-dwindled) crafts. The wishing is pointless. You have to become the person you wish you'd see around you. You have to become the person who starts hosting monthly tea parties; you have to become the person who gifts custom-burned CD's to their friends even when it would be so much easier to just make a Spotify playlist; you have to become the person in the friend group who leaves their phone in their bag and starts talking to the others even if you don't quite know what to say. You have to become the person who begins to do something not because it is the present social currency, but because you love it and it builds up your character. And I was tired of wistfully reading my mother's blog, wishing it was still this way, wishing my friends and I could have this much fun just writing and reading together. I decided it was high time I just started my own. 

And if no one ever jumps on my little bandwagon, and no one ever reads these words, well, that's alright. There is another reason I wanted to start this blog, as well: 

I miss writing!! I used to write every day, in some capacity; I would journal, I always had at least one story going (most of the time it was multiple), and of course, there was writing for school -- which was the portion of my academic years that I actually seemed to excel at. I always, always had a place for all the words in my head to go. 

Now, being newly married and working full time (which is not the ultimate goal, but more on that later), writing is something I must force upon myself. And I do hate this, because it used to come so naturally to me. In recent weeks I have tried to write in my journal more often, because I know how good it is for my heart and mind to have a place of release; but it has felt more mechanical and almost chore-like, trying to get back into it. I'm not letting that discourage me, though, because I know it's a matter of habit. In my best years, I would write daily, sometimes multiple times a day, about nothing really at all (because at thirteen years old my life was pretty tame), and it was just one of my favorite things ever. It allowed me to process my ever-turning mind and my flighty heart, as well as allowing me to sharpen my skill as a writer. It was deeply satisfying and often as easy as breathing for me. 

I hope to return to this point in my twenties and beyond. For the health of my mind and the stability of my heart, I must write. I believe God gave me a way with words specifically to glorify Him and also to sanctify me. (Often, when writing my mind, seeing the words on the page will give me pause and help me to truly question myself, to challenge my attitude and explore my heart. A sentence I write in anger can be used to convict me, when I read it back the next minute. This is what I mean when I say writing helps me process things: it helps me examine my soul.) 

So, here I am! I'm encouraged to say that I feel refreshed and, frankly, a little exhilarated after being able to write all those words so freely. I'm very happy with this; I cannot wait to use this tiny crevice of the Internet to document these days the Lord has given me, to leave little bits and pieces of myself for my children, and to examine my soul.