Ages and Ages

 .... and AGES!

That's how long it has been since I last wrote anything on here, and recently I've been noticing my own absence from the page. I still write; I scribble in various journals I keep in various areas of my home and spaces. But jotting down thoughts is different from writing something meant to be read. None of what I throw down in sloppy cursive in those books is meant to be seen by anyone except myself and God. Writing a blog post comes with the knowledge that at least ONE person will be partaking in these thoughts as well, and that requires a certain decorum and effort that I know is good for me to exercise.

I don't have a good segue, so here is a thing:

I got off Instagram. I get on once a week to check my messages, and usually scroll for about 20 seconds before realizing I haven't missed this at all and I am so much better off without it. That's when I exit my browser (because I deleted the app, so can only access Insta through Google) and go on my merry way. It feels wonderful to say, in full honesty, that I do not think about that place or wish I was there even one bit throughout my week. 

Funnily enough, before deciding I was done with it, I was still in the throes of addiction to it. Mind you, not nearly as bad as it could be- my screen time wasn't 6 hours a day or anything like that. But I could still feel it tugging me, every day. Every time I got on, there was never a good reason for me to be on there, and then I would spend 20 minutes swiping down and down and down into a rabbit hole of faces and trends and comparison and pride-- a place I hated more the further down I got, but couldn't leave no matter how conscious I was of my need to leave. It is amazing how poisonous 20 minutes can be. The whole day was then pierced with thousands of tiny pinpricks of the faces I'd seen, the advertisements I'd scrolled past, the ideas I'd been fed, the greed I'd witnessed, the sickness of screen addiction I'd seen displayed in every single desperate and lonely internet citizen I'd passed on my way down. I couldn't stop thinking about the state of things; the way everyone MUST put their lives online now; the way we can't live without entertainment anymore; the way I envied that vintage dress I saw in a video but had no way of obtaining; the way I hated the voices and mannerisms of those influencers, all seemingly clones of each other; the way I wanted so desperately not to be tangled with social media anymore but didn't know how to put it away. Twenty minutes a day was having an effect on me I knew would have consequences down the line, but somehow I always overrode that warning in my head just for the sake of a few seconds of entertainment (which inevitably turned into much more than just a few seconds). 

I don't really remember what fully woke me up, but one day I just decided, "I'm done with this. I'm not letting it control me anymore. I don't need it."

And I set my little boundary: check your messages once a week, maybe tap into someone's story if you're interested, and get off for another week.

And I began, and it was so easy.

Again, I do not know what clicked in my head. But I thank God that something did, because I feel much less sick and weary than I was.

The more of an adult I become, and the deeper into life my friends and I get, a certain feeling grows: everyone is tired of this. We are all realizing how futile this is. How much of a damaging distraction social media can be in the midst of a life we now must be so careful with. WE are now the ones with control over how we spend our time, and WE are the ones who pay the prices for wasting it away. We have things now that matter and drive us: being a loving and present spouse... working heartily... remembering to be in the Word each day... houses, babies, laundry, taxes, jury duty... and we are realizing how precious every minute is. We don't have any time to be wasted, because every second of it was a gift from God. 

Now that we're all married and living with our spouses and taking care of our own households, I think we're collectively realizing that such a distraction as short-form social media just has no place in our lives. I mean, I can't speak for all of my friends. But I've had many conversations with multiple girlfriends about this, and I seem to glean the same attitude from them all: we just don't want it in our lives anymore. 

It is ironic, because really the only way this blog reaches anyone's eyes is through Instagram. I'm not quite sure of another way to put the link out there.. if anyone has any ideas or expertise from their blogging days (if one of those ladies happens to be reading this... big chance) then by all means let me know, but for now I'll keep posting the link on my Instagram story, and perhaps someday I'll find out a way to get my posts into my friends' email inboxes or have my own domain or something. 

If you read my blog posts through those links I post, I just want you to know-- I'm glad you saw my link, and decided to take a gander at my thoughts and musings. 

And (this is very important), I want you to know I am not judging you for being on social media. I do not blame or look down on anyone for getting on Instagram every once in a while, even every day. I just think it's such a delicate thing to play with, and can easily become a cigarette for your eyes and brain. And if that has become the case for you, if it is what you turn to when silence settles, if you can't bear being alone with your thoughts anymore and are desperate for that distraction, I know what that feels like and I'm sorry you're in that spot. The beasts of short-form media platforms were bred to be addictive and seduce your brain into having "just a little more... just a liiiiiittle more". It's understandable. 

I urge you, my loved ones, to consider what of your life you are giving away in exchange for empty entertainment. It can be eye-opening to think of the actual minutes being spent on something that will add absolutely nothing to your one, short life. And remember the things you truly love to do! Hobbies, pursuits, interests. Things you could find a dozen books about at the library. Things you can do with your hands and enjoy the deep reward of holding something you created. (We were made to create, by the way, as a reflection of our own Creator's glory. So do it!) 

Hey, start a blog! I'd love to reignite the blog fire that burned so strong when my mom was in her twenties. She had so many online blogging friends and they all wrote so much, so beautifully. I love seeing the people I love pour out their hearts, whether it be through writing, music, art, crafts... I just love it and I want to see more of it. I know some wonderfully talented people. 

This has become a bit of a ramble, but I think it just felt good to write. Now that I've reclaimed some of my time and attention, I hope to avoid neglecting this blog for too long. (No promises though... I'm learning that no two weeks are ever the same! We have been so busy!)

Anyway! If you're here, I love you! Thank you for reading, as always. <3 

A Saturday

I'm in the library. I have not been here with my laptop since I was in high school and writhing my way through chemistry and college English. I don't know how I forgot this was such an ideal way to spend an afternoon writing; it is quiet, clean, vast. Just big enough to disappear easily into a corner and be bothered by nothing and no one. My phone is on silent, no one has texted me today, and I have the whole afternoon here. 

Riley is currently away on a work trip, having left this morning at 5:00am. Since I was up so early, I decided to get my hair wash out of the way, and I also made zucchini muffins (my father-in-law has a flourishing vegetable garden, and recently gifted me with a paper bag full of zucchini and cucumbers.) A friend and I planned to have tea at 7:00am, so I took the muffins there and we spent the morning in easy conversation on two Adirondack chairs, with mugs of Paris tea, overlooking a green lawn and a duck in a dandelion patch. 

We were finished at about 9:30, and I went straight to the grocery store. If you know me personally, you may have heard me mention that I love grocery shopping. Strangely enough, I don't know many people who share this sentiment, but I look forward to it every week. I get excited for it. I hope it doesn't become a drag later on in life; but if it does, well, it doesn't matter, because that's an opportunity for me to fix my attitude and have a joyful heart towards a necessary and very privileged task. 

When I came home, I was getting rather dull and tired. I hauled the groceries inside, and spent about 10 minutes lying down in our sunny bedroom with my face in the perfectly cool satin of my pillowcase. The window was open and I could hear the soft whisper of the trees just outside. That restored me just enough to get up, put away the groceries, finish the other half of a muffin, and do a quick workout. 

For lunch, I had leftover wild rice, ground turkey, and chickpeas with a runny egg on top. I ate it while sitting on the bed. Our bedroom gets the most sunlight during the day, so when I'm home on Saturdays, I tend to spend a lot of time there.

While sipping on a cup of coffee, I packed up my things, and then came here. 

I don't have much of anything big to say here, but I do value the written vignettes of small, everyday life. Though mundane to some, I know I will come back and read this with a certain fondness that I get when reminded of days past. I think someday when I've got children and less free time (Lord-willing), I will find it sweet to look back on a quiet, small Saturday when I was twenty-two. 

And, I've just found out that the library closes earlier on Saturdays... so I've only got about an hour left here. I'm satisfied with what I've written, so I think I'll pack up and go look around. I've been needing a quick, short yet thoughtful read ever since making my way through Emma. (I'm still only halfway through. I am loving it, but I need a little something to help me stay out of reading-lethargy.)

I've gotta do this again soon, and maybe earlier next time, so I've got the whole afternoon. Until then, goodbye! 

 

Hi! [crickets...]

Just a pretty picture of English Ivy and maidenhair fern (both of which have since died...)

Time races by, and I have not written a blog post since December (!!!). This year has been so busy from the start. There's much I could write about, just from the past few months, but I also kind of don't want to... haha. I want to start clean and write about life-right-now. 

To begin with, everyone is getting married! I am in the same season of life I always heard my mom talking about with such fondness, when I was growing up. "Everyone was getting married at the same time, and then before you knew it, everyone was having babies at the same time." (We have not yet reached the babies portion of this new plane of life yet, but I've a feeling that in the next few years it will happen.)

How blessed I am to have so many loved ones, and to witness so many marriages beginning. God is doing such wonderful work!

I suppose I'm not writing for any purpose other than I haven't written in aaaaaaaages..... and I miss it! 

I think my problem is that when I'm at home, there is always an abundance of things I'd rather be doing than sitting at my laptop. Working in the kitchen, reading (currently Jane Austen's "Emma"), practicing piano, doing laundry (it's a lovely little walk from our apartment to the laundry facility, especially this time of year), etc. etc.... I think I need to place myself in a setting where a laptop belongs. I'm not sure how to explain it, but my home doesn't feel like that, especially since my time at home is so limited and the hours are so short-- maybe when I've stopped working, someday when we have a few children, I will be home all the time and might feel more affectionately about sitting down at my laptop. For now, I quite like the idea of setting up in the library or a coffee shop and writing for hours. So, perhaps once the dust settles a bit, I can make it more of a habit to go hangout at the library for a few hours on Saturdays. Because, while I just spent a whole paragraph detailing how I dislike being on my laptop when I'm at home, you must not mistake that for a dislike of writing. My mind and heart long to write. I just have to be strategic and intentional about the way I act on it. 

That's about it, presently, but first, a note about spring:

Warm, early summer days are approaching. We've had a nice spattering of colder, grayer days as well, but for the most part it's been warming up nicely. I notice the older I get, the more I just adore summer, maybe even as much as I adore spring and fall. My ability to notice beauty everywhere is improving, which might have something to do with it. No matter the temperature, there are still pretty things everywhere. Trees older than myself; little divots in the bright green hills that line the business park, where I think it would be lovely to curl up and think about the grass; rose bushes exploding forth with blooms no matter how often the gardeners hack them back into little cubes of sticks; feathery clouds in a warm blue sky; all manner of birds chattering in the trees; the scent of gardenias growing along the side of a bank building I walk past on my lunch breaks. I won't sacrifice the opportunity to be outdoors just for the sake of staying cool, so I spent my whole thirty minutes outside. On especially hot days, I may simply sit on a hilltop in the middle of the business park, under the shade of a tree. Most of the time though, I love to walk along the little hills, and I don't get too warm if I stay in the shady patches.

 If you open up my journal (any of the four I'm currently filling up, in my purse, my nightstand, my desk at work, and my bookshelf at home) anytime after the month of February, you have a high likelihood of opening to an entry where I'm just gushing about springtime. It's probably the season I write about the most. God did NOT have to give us the gift of springtime, the joy of watching the world bloom, but He did, and I hope it always points my heart to Him.

Letting the dead of winter also point my heart to Him is a different lesson I must learn (everything is so profoundly gray and the cold is depressing), but I trust that He will do His work there as well. I must never be satisfied to sit in a place of discontentment-- circumstances (in this case, weather) cannot dictate my heart's attitude, for I must always only be satisfied in the Lord!

Anyway-- I am hopeful that in the coming months, I can put more of my heart to the page, and perhaps more consistently. This is good for me, and I am also encouraged by a dear friend who recently told me she was waiting for me to put out another blog post. It is good to know that my writing is seen and considered, even by one person. I have a few friends who are faithful readers, which is very sweet. Connection, by way of the written word, is such a gift. To anyone who reads and enjoys my humble little blog, I am glad you're here! :)

Turn Your Thoughts God-ward

 Recently, I was observing my reflection in the mirror. I turned my face side to side so I could see the acne on my cheeks and jaw. I have spent too many minutes in years past doing exactly this, my eyes dwelling on each spot and my spirit wilting the longer I looked. Today was different: I saw my face through the eyes of someone seeing me for the first time, instead of through my own eyes, which were tainted with selfish despair over my imperfect skin. 

It was strange, but when I did that, my acne seemed such a stupid thing to care that much about. As I pondered my face, I had this thought:

I've had acne since I was thirteen. I've done everything under the sun (including leaving it completely alone) to try and heal my skin, both externally and internally. It's probably not going away anytime soon. And I don't know why, but maybe that's fine. I could have acne and be sad about it, or I could have acne and choose to continue being comfortable in my own skin. I would much rather live with the latter. So I'm alright with these spots on my face.

Later that day, after Riley came home from work, we were hanging out on the couch, and I told him these thoughts I'd had. He nodded his approval; he was pleased to see my growing peace about something that had plagued me with worrisome thoughts for many years. But after a beat, he added this:

"Be sure to turn these thoughts God-ward. The peace you have with your skin should be about Him and from Him; these thorns and thistles of this imperfect world are meant to draw you nearer to Him. You should be content with your skin, not because you chose of your own accord not to care, but because it is exactly the way God wills it to be right now."

(This is slightly paraphrased, as this conversation was several days ago, and I obviously can't recount what he said word for word. But this is the essence of what he told me.)

I am glad he said this to me. My thoughts in the bathroom mirror earlier that day were not incorrect, but they were lacking the core purpose of why I am to be content with my body and skin: my identity must be found solely in Christ and His steadfast love for me, not in my physical appearance. My responsibility is to be a good steward of the body He gave me, to take the best care of it that I can, because it is a gift from Him-- and I must trust Him with the outcome.

This is the part that always trips me: I make so many efforts to be a good steward of my body... and I expect that because I am trying so hard, I will be able to fix myself or heal myself or get exactly the results I am hoping for. 

But that is still an identity issue (sin!). In that case, my hope is still in the perfection of my body, not in the sovereign will of God. And, how silly of me to let some spots on my skin steal joy from my heart when there is so much to be deeply and humbly thankful for in these sweet but short days on Earth the Lord gives us!

 I need to let go of my craving for control and remember that my body will be perfect in Heaven. And will I even notice? I will be quite busy praising the Lord my God, in all His glory and majesty.

With that, I encourage anyone reading this to search out the things in your heart that have been plaguing you with worry or irritation. Ask yourself "why?" What gain is to be had from being consumed by yourself? Turn your thoughts God-ward; there is much peace to be found in Him. 

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

-1 Peter 5:6-7

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

-Colossians 3:1-3

Have a lovely Monday!

Twenties

 Hiya!

I'm trying to practice taking advantage of significant thoughts I have throughout the day and putting words to them in the moment. 

Today's funny thought is a realization that I have quite frequently and probably will continue to have through the rest of my adult life: I'm in my twenties. I don't know why, but it seems such a strange fact still. Do any of you constantly feel younger than you actually are? I often feel like I'm seventeen still. But then I catch myself acting on the responsibilities and expectations of adulthood and it hits me that I have long since exited childhood. It can sometimes be a sad thought, but most of the time it is sweet: God led me to this place, and what a blessing it is to be alive! To be learning every day how to steward my own household! To have a car payment! To be less and less anxious with every phone call I have to make about my money and my teeth and my car! To enter an office every morning and turn on my computer! To put things on my calendar (and take them off, because sometimes yours truly is a little trigger-happy with all the things that may be added to a young person's calendar. Still learning how not to overbook us!)

I'm doing everything my five-year-old self would have played and pretended, in all her hours of imagination at home. I get to make dinner for my husband and myself! I get to clean my kitchen! I get to decorate my walls! I get to do my laundry and see someone else's clothes all tangled with mine! I get to bring home plants that I will soon accidentally kill and mourn! (I don't think I ever pretended to do that as a child. But it's wormed its way into my life; at least my wedding fern is alive and flourishing!) I get to make coffee whenever I want! I get to welcome my best friend and lover home every evening, with a smile and a long-awaited kiss. 

I really am rich. God, strike all discontentment from my heart! 

Many Words, Few Minutes

 Hello!

As you can see, I never got around to an August Gallery post. September came and went in a rush, and in the midst of everything, I gave myself permission not to worry about it. Life lately has included:

-the truck breaking down

-the new urgency to find another car (this was the last straw with that old moneypit) 

-the moving around of money and the budgetary finagling in order that we can afford a car payment

-a dental checkup in which nine cavities were revealed, after which a certain frazzled wife cried on the phone to a certain very levelheaded husband who assured the aforementioned wife that the money in savings is specifically saved for things like this and encouraged her not to take dental issues so personally (let it be known that the wife in question does in fact take very good care of her teeth and simply needs to stop grinding her teeth in her sleep)

-Two separate appointments to then get those cavities filled

-Continual haggling with my bank to try and finally get my funds over to Riley's bank so all our money can actually be in the same pot (I've been on hold for 12 years now and am starting to think I just need to go in person and figure things out)

-Riley going to the doctor with concerns of dizziness, occasional nausea, eye twitching and headaches (after a full physical, including a checkup on his thyroid, he is medically completely fine and has been told he is just stressed. So now, we just need to figure out how to get him to slow down, which has always been difficult for him) 

-My own car making weird sounds and a trip to the mechanic (it's only the spark plugs needing to be replaced, thankfully)

-All of our usual family/social functions 

-Probably some other things I'm forgetting about

It has been a very adult, very spendy few weeks. When it rains, it pours! But Riley is a wonderful, wise manager of our money; we are blessed with sufficient savings and have not fallen on hard times. It has been a strengthening, somewhat fun challenge to practice buying only what we need at the grocery store on Saturdays. And I find myself much calmer in this season than I thought I would be in seasons of "pouring rain"; doing all of this with a strong leader and partner (who also happens to be my best friend) has made things seem much easier. By the grace of God, we are laughing through it, tired as we may be!

And though the last few weeks have been challenging and fast-paced, our life is also full of:

-Soup and bread

-Laughter every day and night

-Cats that sit outside the screen door every morning as I make breakfast

-Coffee and cigar smoke

-Excellent movies and comforting sitcoms

-Daily digestion of God's word (which must be the highest of all these things)

-Many wonderful brothers and sisters (both biological and blood-bought)

-A thrilling scent of approaching autumn in the air, the sun shining just a little differently, the trees beginning to drop a handful of leaves

-About a thousand other blessings and mercies of which we are not deserving. God is good!

I've come to realize that, while I am a "working woman", I may have to be content with a looser grasp on this blog. I have limited minutes every day; 480 of those minutes are spent working for the school, and when I come home, my laptop is certainly not the first place I go. Someday, when I can leave the workforce and stay at home, I may be able to carve out actual time every day to write a little and keep this up more frequently. But for now, it takes me multiple days to finish one short post, and that's alright! It's what I am afforded, and I am happy with it. 

With that, thank you for reading, and I'll see you in the next post, whenever that happens to be!